Finding Home (Again)

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

I believe in challenging myself — not setting myself on fire.

That’s why I’m hanging out in downtown Virginia Beach instead of my hometown, Baltimore, MD.

The challenge living here is that I hate driving around downtown with its one-way signs and traffic. I have no ties in Virginia and must start life anew. New hangers, new plates, new routines, everything.

What brought me here was a tumultuous couple of months of stomach-churning decision-making and research gone wrong.

Something I hate more than driving around downtown is making choices. And making plans while struggling with anxiety makes the process take much longer. Uncertainty and fear of disappointment find fresh breeding ground.

A nice calming atmosphere near the beach was what initially drew me to this city. I remembered a trip to Ocean City, MD a few years ago. I’d sit on my balcony and watch the sunrise. I was in awe of all of the colors across the sky and how their reflection in the water.

“God shares something so special with us every single day,” I thought.

Ambulance alarms and honking horns are a far cry from the serenity of that vacation. This noise is much more fitting in reality than the calm contemplation of my time away.

I obsessively plan things that go bottoms up and then I have no choice but to adapt. I expect to love my new city or die trying. I’m committed, darn it!

My hometown has some nice areas, but most of my grungy memories are from there. It just doesn’t make sense to go back to where nothing worked out, you know?

So, I continue on with my quest to enjoy life. I wanted to share this with you to remind you that it’s okay to try again after something doesn’t work out.

When I first moved to California a year and a half ago, I was looking forward to a life filled with purpose, leaving my anxiety and depression behind. But, my anxiety intensified there, and the move felt like such a bad idea.

I did discover a lot about myself, and I also learned more about God’s plans for my life, so the trip was a success that just felt like a failure.

Don’t give up in overcoming bad things in your life. Every step is going to take you to where you need to be, even if you find yourself checking the soles of your shoes and wrinkling your nose along the way.


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